“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me.”1
Labeling/mislabeling is an extreme form of overgeneralization in which we use a single characteristic to describe a whole person. For example, when I fail to pass a licensing exam at work, I label myself a “failure.” Or when a coworker brushes me off in a way I don’t like, I label him or her “a rude jerk.”
You can see how this feeds into other cognitive distortions, too. Using extreme or stereotypical labels is a form of all-or-nothing thinking. Labels blind us to the good qualities in ourselves and others, and they magnify our bad qualities. So labels also act as negative mental filters that polarize our opinions of self and others.
Labeling people is really just a form of lazy, haphazard thinking. Take the example of the “rude jerk” of a coworker. What do I really know about the circumstances behind the brush-off? Was he or she really trying to be rude? Or was he or she just in a hurry? Or feeling sick? Or just having an “off” day?
Slapping a label on someone else allows me to sidestep any thoughtful analysis of their thoughts, feelings, or situation. This allows my ax of judgment to fall much more swiftly and harshly….but probably based on a whole bunch of distorted thinking.
Do you have the cognitive distortion of Labeling/Mislabeling?
You and I almost certainly have this distortion if we have a habit of “name-calling,” meaning we often drop remarks like “I am, or you are, or he/she is such a blankety-blank-blank [insert nasty term here].” Name-calling is basically a way of describing mistakes with a label that imputes an innate character flaw.
Now, labeling is bad because instead of focusing on the mistake, you and I are making it more personal; we are judging the person who made the mistake. But the distortion also involves mislabeling, which means that our judgment is often not even complete, accurate, or fair.
This shifty little distortion can be directed at anyone, at any time, for any reason.
And we can direct such character assassination jabs at ourselves as well as others:
Do you see what’s happening here?
When you and I use this distortion, we are attempting to distill down complex, multidimensional individuals into one-dimensional words or phrases.
Dr. David Burns rightly points out that this extreme form of overgeneralization implies that “the measure of a man [or woman] is the mistakes he [or she] makes.”2
If we take a few steps back – and out of the emotional outrage that likely led to the name-calling in the first place – we can see that this distortion makes no sense.
It makes no sense in dimensions of time. Calling ourselves or others names based on past mistakes make those mistakes part of our future identity. We get caught in a time-warp, frozen in moments of foolishness or weakness, with a label blaring over our heads, “This is all you are now and all you will ever be.” And then we have a hard time believing that we can get beyond those mistakes with any growth or change.
Moreover, it makes no sense in dimensions of human nature. It makes no sense to describe ourselves or others based on single actions, rather than the whole narrative of life. Dr. Burns puts it this way:
Your life is a complex and ever-changing flow of thoughts, emotions, and actions. To put it another way, you are more like a river than a statue. Stop trying to define yourself with labels – they are overly simplistic and wrong. Would you think of yourself exclusively as a “breather” just because you breathe? This is nonsense, but such nonsense becomes painful when you label yourself out of a sense of your own inadequacies.”3
We are all far more than our mistakes and failures. We are also our dreams, our aspirations to do better and achieve more.
Labeling/mislabeling ourselves in this way makes about as much sense as describing a 3-dimensional cube with a 1-dimensional dot.
Problems with Labeling & Mislabeling
Escalation of Hostilities
I know what you might be thinking:
“No, see, you don’t understand. This guy that I work with really IS a [jerk, slob, selfish rat, moron]. He’s proven that over and over again. So in his case, the label really does fit.”
Okay. I totally get that because, honestly, I’ve felt the same way about certain people and about myself.
But labels shut down our ability to really see people for who they are. Let’s be honest – isn’t it a lot easier to attack a caricature than a real person?
Dr. Burns says that when we have been wronged by someone, we often “monsterize” that person in our heads in order to justify our anger toward him or her.4
And just how obligated do we feel to try to understand or empathize with a monster?
Not very.
In fact, if we’re really being honest, we get some pleasure out of calling someone a jerk, slob, selfish rat, and/or moron. It bolsters our feelings of righteous indignation and moral superiority. Name-calling feels kind of cathartic, like gut-punching a nasty monster.
But here’s the problem – the other person is probably gut-punching the monsterized version of us in their mind.
So around and around we go, with misunderstandings escalating into squabbles, which escalate into hostilities, which escalate into all-out wars.
Name-calling is considered to be an act of aggression – a purposeful behavior carried out with the intent to inflict harm.5
Considered aberrant in polite society, name-calling is a hallmark of the incivility that scars modern communication, both online and in public debate.6 While name-calling someone in a Twitter feed or Facebook post may feel good, we all know that it actually does harm. It does not serve our cause; rather it works against it by blocking the others’ ears up with insult and acrimony.
There is no resolution to this hostility. How can there be? No path has been created for it.
I’m talking to myself here as well as others because this is such an easy, tempting distortion. Let’s not indulge in it.
“But then,” you might be saying, “what should I do about this guy I work with? I mean, he is so obnoxious.”
I’m not saying that rude or disgraceful behavior should be ignored. We will get to the solution in a minute, but first, let’s talk through another problem with labeling/mislabeling.
Damage to Self-Worth
Name-calling is also a hallmark of bullying – the systematic aggression and abuse of power of one person over another. Child development research has clearly shown that bullying has serious mental health repercussions extending into adulthood, including increased incidence of depression, anxiety, and suicidal behavior.7
But unfortunately, bullies are not the only ones to use labels. We parents, teachers, and caregivers are apt to give labels to our children, both good (“That kid is such an ANGEL”) and bad (“That kid is such a DEVIL”).
It’s important to understand that a child’s sense of self is largely defined by the terms others use to describe who they are, what they are good or bad at, and how they behave.8 This means that children who are constantly scolded and given insulting labels will likely believe the labels are true. Such children will “sink” to their caregivers’ low expectations and suffer from a chronically low sense of self-worth.
Those subjected to demeaning mislabels through childhood often feel less adequate, capable, and worthy of love in adulthood.9 They also may lose hope that they can ever change.
Damaging others’ sense of self-worth is another important reason to not indulge in labeling/mislabeling. But again, don’t misunderstand me – I’m not saying that children should not be disciplined, just that there’s a better way to do it.
It’s time to talk solutions.
What is the solution to Labeling/Mislabeling?
There is an over-arching solution that applies here. I’ve mentioned it before, but it seems equally – and perhaps especially – appropriate for this distortion.
The main solution is to treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves.
Christians know this as the Golden Rule,10 but the same injunction is found in many other faiths.
Would we ever want others to reduce us to measly, mean-spirited caricatures in their minds, to be scorned and mentally punched at?
Speaking for myself, no. I would wish to be given the benefit of the doubt; to be treated with patience, understanding, and kindness. And so I need to do as I would be done by.
We can do no better than to follow this simple yet profound advice.
The same applies if we have fallen into the self-destructive habit of labeling/mislabeling ourselves – we can, in fact, give ourselves the harshest names of all.
If this is the case, and if we are having a hard time extending to ourselves the same consideration and kindness that we should use for others, then there is another trick we can use. That is, to view and treat ourselves as a dearly loved friend.
If a close friend made the same mistake, would our ax of judgment fall so quickly and harshly? Probably not.
Underneath this over-arching theme, we can add a few more specific tips. The following are adapted from Dr. Burns as well as Dr. Neil Nedley’s book, The Lost Art of Thinking:11
- Focus on the behavior rather than the person.
- Turn negative labels into positive instruction.
- Cultivate an atmosphere of respect.
Focus on the behavior rather than the person.
This solves the problems we had earlier with obnoxious co-workers and/or disobedient children. While attacking ourselves or others with a demeaning label is not okay, it is perfectly okay to call ourselves or others out on problematic behavior.
The distinction is clear. Labeling a person makes the behavior an inseparable part of their identity, but labeling the behavior makes it a separate and modifiable part of their life.
There is a right way and a wrong way to guide behavior modification. So closely following this first tip is the second:
Turn negative labels into positive instruction.
We all (young and not-so-young) respond better to constructive criticism, given in an affirming, positive spirit, than demeaning and negative criticism. This is hard to do, but the results are usually worth it.
Take a look at the following examples:
Another neat trick Dr. Nedley talks about is to trade in negative labels for positive ones. Instead of saying, “You’re so rude,” to your child, say something like, “Please be respectful when speaking to me.” This gives the child a target behavior to shoot for, raising their sites to higher planes of behavior and self-respect, instead of merely enforcing a negative label.
Suppose the other person does not take kindly to your constructive criticism? This, unfortunately, happens at times. When it does, it can be easy to slip back into old patterns and think, “Man, I gave him/her the benefit of the doubt and did my best to respectfully ask for a change. And he/she still shut me down. What a [jerk, slob, selfish rat, moron]!”
In such cases, it is helpful to:
Cultivate an atmosphere of respect.
Change takes time and patience. Especially if you and I have a reputation for being judgmental, others may be skeptical at first when we turn over a new leaf. It may take several tries before our efforts are recognized and (perhaps) reciprocated.
It helps to consistently cultivate an atmosphere of respect. This is just as true at home as elsewhere – we need to treat our spouse and children with the same respect and consideration that we wish them to show to us.
Over time, this makes the home feel peaceful and safe for everyone.
Conclusion and Action Steps
- Review your thought journal for evidence of labels/mislabels (I/you/he or she is such a blankety-blank-blank).
- Identify the behavior in each situation that was the real source of irritation. Re-write the thought by addressing the behavior directly with some positive instruction.
- Resolve to cultivate an atmosphere of respect for the next week. Think about the steps you can do this at home, at work, and other circles you are part of.
- Read the next part of this 101 series. Or you can read the previous part. Or you can start from the beginning.
1An old English language children’s rhyme. See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sticks_and_Stones
2Burns, D. D. (2009). Feeling good. New York: Harper Publishing. pp.39-40,43.
3Burns, D. D. (2009). Feeling good. New York: Harper Publishing. p.40
4Burns, D. D. (2009). Feeling good. New York: Harper Publishing. p.157
5Allen, J. J., & Anderson, C. A. (2017). Aggression and violence: Definitions and distinctions. The Wiley handbook of violence and aggression.
6Chen, G. M. (2017). Online incivility and public debate: Nasty talk. Springer. p.6-7.
7Klomek, A. B., Sourander, A., & Elonheimo, H. (2015). Bullying by peers in childhood and effects on psychopathology, suicidality, and criminality in adulthood. The Lancet Psychiatry, 2(10), 930-941.
8American College of Pediatricians. (2018). 3 Ways Labeling Hurts Your Kids. https://www.acpeds.org/3-ways-labeling-hurts-your-kids
9Pucci, A. (2006). The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to Live a Healthy, Happy Life…No Matter What. iUniverse. p.59.
10Matthew 22:36-40 (New International Version): 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
11Nedley, N. A. (2011). The lost art of thinking: How to improve emotional intelligence and achieve peak mental performance. Oklahoma: Nedley Publishing. pp.128-132.
Dr. Pamela Coburn-Litvak has published research articles on exercise and stress in Neuroscience and Neurobiology of Learning and Behavior. Her latest book, Leaving the Shadowland of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression, was published in 2020.
After receiving a Ph.D. in Neurobiology and Behavior from the State University of New York at Stony Brook, she served as both Assistant Professor of Physiology & Pharmacology and Special Assistant to the Vice President for Research Affairs at Loma Linda University in Loma Linda, California. She then joined the Biology department at Andrews University and developed courses in human physiology as well as the neurobiology of mental illness. She also founded Rock @ Science LLC, a company that specializes in health and science education and web development. She co-developed the brain and body physiology segment of the Stress: Beyond Coping seminar with its creator, Dr. William “Skip” MacCarty, DMin.
Dr. Coburn-Litvak currently lives in California with her husband. Their two daughters are mostly grown and attending school elsewhere.
When she’s not studying or teaching about stress, she enjoys stress-relieving activities like puttering around the garden, taking nature walks with her family, knitting, cooking, and reading.