“The undisciplined mind confuses misfortune with mistakes.”1
Cognitive Distortion #7: Personalization (The Blame Game)
The personalization/blame game can take on many guises. Some of the most common are:
“It’s all my fault.”
In other words, we take 100% responsibility for bad outcomes that we couldn’t have avoided or are only partly responsible for. For example: “My son is still failing math this semester. It’s all my fault for being such a bad parent.”
“You think it’s all my fault, don’t you?”
This is also a mind-reading error, because we think we know what others are thinking and that they are personally attacking us when they are not.
For example, we think to ourselves: “I just know my boss was talking about me when she expressed disappointment in our team’s performance last quarter. She’s always considered me the weak link, and now she’s broadcasted her opinion to everyone else in that thinly veiled email.”
“How dare you think that it’s all my fault!”
We can become so defensive that we stop accepting constructive criticism when it is offered.
Building on the previous example: “I can’t believe she would attack me in such a public way. She obviously doesn’t have the managerial skills to lead this team, so I don’t have to listen to anything she says.”
Do you have the distortion of Personalization?
Two problems are at the root of most personalization errors: 1) misplaced guilt and 2) misplaced self-worth.
Ask yourself the following questions about something that went wrong.2 If you answer “no” to all of these but still feel guilty, then your guilt is misplaced.
- Did I have absolute control over everything that happened?
- Was I negligent in any actions that ultimately contributed to this situation?
- If my actions did contribute to the outcome, did I know what their consequences would be beforehand?
- Could I have overcome all other factors to ensure that there was no damage?
- Do other people, whose opinion I trust the most, believe that I am personally at fault?
- Would I consider others (my best friend, my spouse, my children) at fault if they were in my place?
Our self-worth is misplaced when we equate it with our actions, good or bad. If you answer “yes” to any of the following questions, then your personalization error may be the result of misplaced self-worth.
- Does this situation make me a bad person?
- Does this situation make me feel of less worth and value?
- Do I feel that others have no right to point out my mistakes?
- Am I unwilling to apologize and change my ways, even if it would help the situation or make others feel better?
What are the solutions to Personalization?
I offer the following list of tips to overcome personalization errors:
- Don’t confuse control with influence.
- Don’t engage in “if only” thinking.
- Don’t jump to conclusions.
- Don’t confuse your actions (or lack thereof) with your self-value.
- Do look for elements of truth in others’ rebukes or criticism. Apologize when necessary.
To illustrate these, let’s re-visit the examples above.
Don’t confuse control with influence.
“My son is still failing math this semester. It’s all my fault for being such a bad parent.” We can encourage our children and provide incentives for good academic performance. We can explain the consequences that they may face later in life for poor academic performance. And of course, we can provide resources such as tutoring to assist with specific problems or challenges.
But that is where our influence ends…and their control begins.3
Remember the old, proverbial horse and its owner down by the waterhole. The owner can ask (enticingly or threateningly or pleadingly), “Won’t you please have a drink?” But the horse can always answer (if horses could talk), “Yeah, no thanks. I’m good.”
Ultimately, we all bear the responsibility for our own choices.
Don’t engage in “if only” thinking.
It’s pointless to wallow in guilt for circumstances that could not have been avoided. None of us are all-knowing or all-powerful enough to see every bad thing coming. We may wish for this, but wishing won’t make it so.
We may also flagellate ourselves with “if only” thoughts afterward, but such thoughts won’t change the past. All they will do is force us to relive the same dreadful outcome over and over again.
Our energy is far better spent on learning what yesterday can teach us about living more wisely today.
As Danish philosopher and theologian Søren Kierkegaard wrote, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
Don’t jump to conclusions.
“I just know my boss was talking about me when she expressed disappointment in our team’s performance last quarter. She’s always considered me the weak link, and now she broadcasted her opinion to everyone else in that thinly veiled email.”
Well, maybe she was talking about you and maybe not. What evidence do you have that she was referring to you and only you? Is it possible that your own doubts and insecurities are feeding into the conclusions you are making about your boss’s email?
Don’t confuse your actions with your value.
Let’s say that the worst is true: your boss was targeting you in her email. Often the rebukes that bite deepest are the ones with elements of truth in them.
But does it follow that you or I must take offense so that we cannot benefit from them?
Perhaps it’s helpful to remember that we are not just the sum of our faults and mistakes. We are not even the sum of our successes. As discussed previously, our self-worth is never defined by our actions; rather it is defined by God. We have done nothing to deserve the infinite value He has placed on each of us; nor can we do anything to lose it.
DO look for elements of truth; apologize when necessary.
For me, distinguishing my actions from my self-worth takes a lot of pressure off and makes me more willing to accept my failures.
If I am wrong, then it is best to be told so that I can make it right. My self-worth has nothing to do with the matter. Why should this feel threatening to me? What possible reason would there be for making up excuses or trying to shift the blame onto someone else?
It is hard for some to apologize because they believe it is a sign of weakness. This is so odd, because from everyone else’s perspective it is the unapologetic person who appears weak and downright foolish. We often lose respect for others who won’t apologize when they should.
So, if pride and status were somehow the main issues – which they are not – we would do well to remember that we make a better impression by apologizing than by sidestepping, prevaricating, and/or blowing smoke in order to appear blameless.
But there is a far better approach: we can realize that apologies have nothing to do with protecting ourselves or our silly pride. Rather, they are about protecting the relationships involved. When our commitment to the relationship becomes the main issue, we can stop tripping on our own egos and apologize when it is appropriate to do so.4
Conclusion & Action Steps
In order to stop playing the blame game, consider doing the following:
- Review your thought journal for signs of misplaced guilt or misplaced self-worth.
- Use one or more of the solutions above to replace any distorted thoughts into more constructive ones.
- Read the next part of this 101 series. Or you can read the previous part. Or you can start from the beginning.
1 Caney, M. (2011) The Dolphin Way: Rise of the Guardians. AquaPress.
2 Adapted from: p.105.
3 Burns, D. D. (1981). Feeling good. Signet Book. p.40-41.
4 p.107
Dr. Pamela Coburn-Litvak has published research articles on exercise and stress in Neuroscience and Neurobiology of Learning and Behavior. Her latest book, Leaving the Shadowland of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression, was published in 2020.
After receiving a Ph.D. in Neurobiology and Behavior from the State University of New York at Stony Brook, she served as both Assistant Professor of Physiology & Pharmacology and Special Assistant to the Vice President for Research Affairs at Loma Linda University in Loma Linda, California. She then joined the Biology department at Andrews University and developed courses in human physiology as well as the neurobiology of mental illness. She also founded Rock @ Science LLC, a company that specializes in health and science education and web development. She co-developed the brain and body physiology segment of the Stress: Beyond Coping seminar with its creator, Dr. William “Skip” MacCarty, DMin.
Dr. Coburn-Litvak currently lives in California with her husband. Their two daughters are mostly grown and attending school elsewhere.
When she’s not studying or teaching about stress, she enjoys stress-relieving activities like puttering around the garden, taking nature walks with her family, knitting, cooking, and reading.
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